Dear Joanne |
Your questions, her wisdom — Joanne’s here with thoughtful advice, warm humor, and a listening ear for whatever’s on your mind. |
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After years of careful observation at senior centers, coffee clubs, and grocery store checkout lines, I’ve finally uncovered the secret to a long marriage. It’s not communication. It’s not romance. By far, it is selective hearing. |
Scientists may call it age-related hearing loss. Married couples call it relationship insurance. |
Consider the evidence. “Honey, did you forget to take out the trash?” “What was that?” “Never mind.” Argument averted. |
Then there’s the thermostat (I think I may have covered the thermostat topic in previous columns, but it is always worth repeating). Newlyweds argue over whether it’s too hot or too cold. Couples who’ve been married as long as we have clearly developed a sophisticated system: one quietly changes the temperature, the other quietly changes it back. Neither admits to touching it. It’s basically an international peace treaty with blankets. |
People always ask couples celebrating a milestone anniversary, “What’s your secret?” The typical answer is: “We never go to bed angry.” What we don’t mention is that one of us (me) usually falls asleep in the recliner during the evening news. |
Another important secret is understanding the difference between “listening” and “waiting for your turn to talk.” Of course, I have perfected a third option: As he is talking, I nod convincingly while thinking about whether there is still a Klondike Bar left in the freezer for my 8:00 p.m. snack. |
And let’s not overlook the power of separate hobbies. |
One spouse spends three hours organizing an area of the house that really doesn’t need organization. The other spends three hours putting everything back the way it was. Both believe they’re improving things. Neither is entirely wrong. Neither is entirely right. |
Long marriages also thrive on lowered expectations. When I tell my husband, “I’ll be ready in five minutes,” he knows this is measured in “marriage minutes,” a unit of time recognized nowhere else on Earth but my house. Likewise, when he says, “I’ll fix it tomorrow,” I know it can refer to any date between now and the next presidential election (if I am lucky). |
Romance changes slightly as well. Instead of receiving surprise jewelry, you get, “I picked up your prescription.” Instead of love letters, you get, “I remembered your favorite cereal.” Instead of dancing until midnight, you celebrate making it through a movie without falling asleep. |
Of course, every long marriage has a history of some disagreements. The trick isn’t avoiding them. It’s remembering that, after decades together, you’ve probably had the same argument so many times you can finish each other’s complaints. |
Eventually, you realize that marriage isn’t about winning (except in my house where it really is all about ME winning). It’s about deciding which battles are worth fighting and which ones can be settled by ordering takeout. |
So, what’s the real secret to a long marriage? |
Laugh often. Apologize when necessary. Forgive generously. Keep the TV remote on the couch between the two of you so you can change the channel when your spouse falls asleep. |
And if all else fails, remember that after all these years together, replacing your spouse would require learning someone else’s medication schedule, television preferences, and favorite flavor of pudding cups. |
At our age, that would be just too much work. |
Email me at [email protected] with your ideas of surviving a lengthy relationship. I am sure there will be some funny stories to share! And, for everyone who emails me with their story I promise to email you back with my personal thermostat story that I cannot publish here because my husband reads my column. |
Have a great week, everyone! |
Joanne |
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